Citizens of the State of Ohio,

Today there will be a solar eclipse, an astronomical event where the Moon will pass in front of the Sun. Yes, during the day. While in most of Ohio it will be a partial eclipse, in that the Moon will leave a small slice of the Sun visible, in some parts of Ohio the Moon will totally block the Sun.

The important thing to remember is DON’T PANIC. Things to remember while the solar eclipse is happening:

  • It is not a sign or an omen of any kind. Eclipses are a normal part of astronomical events and have no “hidden meaning” in themselves. The sky will not come crashing down nor are “the gods” displeased about anything.
  • The eclipse has absolutely nothing to do with the upcoming Presidential election.
  • The ensuing darkness is not permanent. The solar eclipse will end after a short period of time.
    • There may also be a slight drop in temperature. This too is not permanent and will also pass. There is no need for Coleman lanterns, portable generators or any survival gear you may have on hand.
  • It is not a threat from any foreign agent. Unlike airborne chem trails, citizens can stay calm knowing that the Moon is an American territory.
  • As the effects from an eclipse are temporary, there is no need whatsoever for the following:
    • Human/animal sacrifice
    • Firearms, automatic or semi-automatic weapons, nor missile launchers, bazookas, grenades, or other military-grade weaponry you most certainly don’t have stockpiled under Uncle Cletus’ storm shelter. The Moon is too far away to hit, anyway.
    • Banging drums, setting off fireworks or any general noisemaking to “scare the Moon away”

All kidding aside, Ohioans…

An essential thing to remember is never look directly at an eclipse as it may cause serious and irrreparable damage to your eyes. If you’re not already sick to death of hearing about this furshlugginer eclipse already, Wayne State University, here in Detroit, has a guide about viewing the eclipse today.

Scratch glass, turn blue, stay sick and remember, Parma spelled backwards is…

Love,
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