• ATQ@lemm.ee
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    94
    ·
    edit-2
    1 year ago

    Do you have hobbies and interests? If so, hop on Google and search for MeetUps in your areas. When you find one, go to it and do that activity with other people. This is a practically fail proof plan because it sets you up to do something that you like doing with other people that also like that thing… which gives you a built in conversation topic.

    While you’re there, talk to everyone for a few minutes. Next time there’s a meet up, go back. Don’t put pressure on any one person but, after you’ve been a few times, you’ll recognize and enjoy the company of other regulars and, voila, friends.

    • ALostInquirer@lemm.ee
      link
      fedilink
      arrow-up
      18
      ·
      1 year ago

      What if your hobbies & interests don’t lend themselves to meetups? I tend to have a lot of those that are more solitary in nature, which means others with them were probably drawn to them for similar reasons, being relatively content alone.

      Up until they have that nagging feeling that they may benefit from socializing, anyway.

      • ATQ@lemm.ee
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        15
        ·
        1 year ago

        Just about any hobby can be a group hobby. I run, bike, hike, rock climb, watch sports, drink, try new restaurants, play video games, travel, and shit post. All of these can be done individually or in a group. My old man likes stamps and guns. There are shows and meet-ups for that too.

        What are you in to that can’t be done with others? If these are truly solitary activities then are you willing to give something new a shot? Try something new and if you don’t vibe with the peeps or the activity, try something else new the next time.

      • Mane25@feddit.uk
        link
        fedilink
        English
        arrow-up
        8
        ·
        1 year ago

        Your hobbies aren’t set in stone, is it possible to find other ones (in addition) that involve socialising? You’re free to try out various things until you find something you like.

      • IMongoose@lemmy.world
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        1
        ·
        1 year ago

        If it’s a hobby worth doing then it’s a hobby worth talking about. There will be a group or meetup or something with like-minded people. My hobby only has about 5,000 people in the US and I go to several meets a year and have friends from multiple states. I could do my hobby without ever interacting with anyone (and some people do it like that) but I like the social part.

    • alphapro784@lemmy.mlOP
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      11
      ·
      1 year ago

      There is another thing I want to mention is like how do people find dates? I don’t wanna sound like I’m whining or anything but dating apps never worked for me so I was wondering like how do you meet your potential dates in-person like at bars? Sorry if it sounds dumb but I’ve had a hard time with that so I thought why don’t I would just genuinely ask about it?

      • ATQ@lemm.ee
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        28
        ·
        1 year ago

        how do people find dates

        Two main ways. My brother is very likable. To the point that it’s almost silly. Dude is 6 ft 3, maybe 300 lbs. He looks like an offensive lineman. He’s probably the strongest, roundest, happiest guy I know. When he was single he never had a problem getting quality dates. Even at his size. But it wasn’t just the charisma. Dude would shoot his shot and, if that didn’t work, he’d shoot his shoot again with the next lady. If you can talk a good game, don’t care if you miss and, ideally, be attractive, then you can slay it at the bars.

        I am not as likable as my brother. But I’m funny. I’m decent looking. I treat ladies right. I have hobbies and interests. When I was single, my dates always came from my activity groups. Does it turn out Jenny from run club really likes music? Invite her to a show. And, here’s the key. Only invite people to things you’re going to do anyway. The line is “I’m going to the show this weekend, wanna come with me?” No matter what Jenny says, go to the show. Talk to the people that are there. Have a great time. If you have a great time with Jenny, terrific! If you don’t, or if Jenny doesn’t come, invite someone else next time. Common interests and quality time can take you a long way. Even if it’s a longer game than my brothers.

        • FUsername@feddit.de
          link
          fedilink
          arrow-up
          1
          ·
          edit-2
          1 year ago

          I think one should take care not hesitate too much talking to new people. The outcome can be either ways any ways, but that usually is nothing to carry around for too long time. I figured for myself it should be (and feel) casual (not only during dating).

          So of you are a nerd not used to talk to anyone, maybe get used to talk to people again before trying to advertise yourself on the dating market. Usually, most of people not overly busy are open for a short chat or a funny remark*.

          *Disclaimer: may differ depending on where you live.

    • Zippy@lemmy.world
      link
      fedilink
      arrow-up
      3
      ·
      1 year ago

      I recall reading somewhere making new friends as an adult takes 200 hours (it some arbitrary number) if time together in some social aspect. This requires some level of common interests as you speak of. I also noticed this factors in a couple of friends I have made. Those hours together though must be due to mutual interests and this the reason you build hours.

      I see this in my personal life and those around me. As a child you often have many good friends. I have noticed the ones that survived into adulthood are those that took similar work paths. The ones that work in different fields tend not to be so close anymore. It also factors if you move away for work. Like I did. You simply don’t see the people you had such strong ties to and that is difficult. You get busy and prioritization changes. Same if some have kids and others don’t it do it at different points in their lives.

      Work then becomes your next place to find people with common interests and skills. Generally this applies to jobs that are more career oriented and not the temporary mcjobs. The risk is that people job shop much more now so that friend of yours may move away. As stated joining social groups are also possible. But it takes effort and you need to be engaged to keep going. That can be difficult.

  • artaxthehappyhorse@lemmy.ml
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    59
    ·
    1 year ago
    • Stop declining when people invite you to stuff.
    • Stop being picky about activities/food/music/etc.
    • Be vigilant/safe, yet open minded, open to new experiences, spontaneous.
    • Plan trips and events, both budget friendly and splurgy, then actually commit to doing them.
    • Smile and laugh n shit.
    • Compliment people, thank people, be considerate to others even if it’s not always reciprocated.
    • When it is reciprocated, gravitate more towards that person, and gravitate slowly away from people who don’t seem to appreciate you.
  • GuyDudeman@beehaw.org
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    37
    ·
    1 year ago

    You have to be ok with believing that you’re not annoying others when talking about yourself and asking about them. And you have to do it in a not-creepy way. I haven’t quite figured it out yet.

      • trailing9@lemmy.ml
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        4
        ·
        1 year ago

        Redefine creepy as ‘surpressing emotions’. When you surpress the awareness of surpressing emotions, then you surpress even more, so you appear to be more creepy.

    • blackbrook@mander.xyz
      link
      fedilink
      arrow-up
      5
      ·
      edit-2
      1 year ago

      Creepy has a lot to do with not picking up on signals from other people that your attention is not wanted (or in the case of genuine creeps not caring about and ignoring those signals). Unfortunately that works against the advice you just gave. I do realize this is problematic when that advice is kind of needed by someone who suffers from excessive self-consciousness.

      And of course you mainly learn to pick up on those signals by practice. Which I guess points back to your advice.

    • MrFunnyMoustache@lemmy.ml
      link
      fedilink
      arrow-up
      4
      ·
      1 year ago

      This is like the imposter syndrome but applied to every social interaction. This used to be my life, but it kinda shifted away eventually for me.

        • MrFunnyMoustache@lemmy.ml
          link
          fedilink
          arrow-up
          2
          ·
          edit-2
          1 year ago

          For me, it was partly because I was growing older but the biggest impact was when I began training in martial arts, specifically kendo and iaido.

  • sunbeam60@lemmy.one
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    32
    ·
    1 year ago

    Hobbies and pursuing them. Like board games? Join the local game night! Like sailing? Join a sailing club and attend! Like football? Join a local football team. Like thinking and debating? Join a Sceptic Society!

    It’s hard to be the new kid, it never changes with age, but you just need a few shared experiences and people start thinking of you as part of the tribe.

      • sunbeam60@lemmy.one
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        5
        ·
        1 year ago

        Sure. Not for me, but I do have a friend who’s very active in the swinging scene and he’s made friends there.

      • FUsername@feddit.de
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        1
        ·
        edit-2
        1 year ago

        I guess that joke works for almost every activitiy, except for those which incorporate death of people.

        Except you’re necrophile, so even there. /s

  • ThatsMrCharlieToYou@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    32
    arrow-down
    1
    ·
    1 year ago

    Put yourself ‘out there’ more. Friends are very unlikely to fall into your lap. Don’t shy away from get togethers that you usually would and you’ll likely find people that you gel with. Work is a good place to make friends and you can branch out from there. Pre-established friend groups are also nice to get in on. Other than that, regular activities are good (gym, classes, volunteering etc) there are nice people everywhere (just avoid the dicks)

  • LongPigFlavor@lemmy.ml
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    26
    ·
    1 year ago

    Hobby clubs, fitness groups, volunteering, specific interest events. Personally, I plan to attend more local events. There are some upcoming local events that pique my interests.

    • menturi@lemmy.ml
      link
      fedilink
      arrow-up
      4
      ·
      1 year ago

      How does one discover/find hobby clubs, fitness groups, and volunteering opportunities? I know of meetup.com, but are there other ways? Also, what exactly are special interests events, and how does one become aware of these events?

      • frenchyy94@feddit.de
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        6
        ·
        1 year ago

        I mean it depends on where you live. But sports clubs are easy enough to find if you just search for your sport and area.

        Same I would guess with other hobbies.

        Fitness groups no idea to be honest.

        Volunteering: there are usually quite a few forums and such discussing volunteering opportunities. In my country the biggest ones are the volunteer fire department, volunteer first aid (red cross, Johanniter, ASB, Malteser, etc.), technical relief (THW), and different organisations regarding the homeless and poor (biggest ones probably are the Bahnhofsmission and Tafeln) - this is all Germany specific but I’m sure there are somewhat similar things in other countries, too. For smaller things the are often even websites from the local government where you can search for volunteering opportunities interesting you, by topic.

      • LongPigFlavor@lemmy.ml
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        4
        ·
        1 year ago

        To be honest, I’ve gone back to Facebook to discover local events. I never knew that the local comic shop had events like boardgames and book signings. I also discovered that the South Florida fairgrounds has its own comic con of sorts and my county has an annual event named “PalmCon”.

  • noqturn@lemm.ee
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    19
    ·
    1 year ago

    My partner and I recently moved to an entirely new city. It’s in a region I’ve lived in before, but a different city.

    We found a meet up group called “ 20 something’s meetup” and went to a few events. We found some people we really enjoyed and invited them to a few other events, and still regularly attend the group as a whole. The internet has done a lot of work for us.

  • ninjaturtle@lemmy.ninja
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    17
    ·
    1 year ago

    Exposure pretty much. Meaning get out there, join some groups, talk with people at work or anywhere you spend a good amount of time at, and see who you connect with. Be curious but not invasive.

  • GiddyGap@lemm.ee
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    15
    ·
    1 year ago

    Search for a community of people with similar interests where you live. E.g. something you like doing for a hobby.

  • Thelsim@sh.itjust.works
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    15
    arrow-down
    1
    ·
    1 year ago

    I think we make too much of a deal about making friends as adults. Kids are so much easier in this: “Want to be my friend?”, “Sure!”
    I’m guilty about this as well, too shy and awkward to just make friends. But I believe most people would be happy to have a new friend if the other made the first move. We’re all just so socially awkward about these things.

    Anyway, if anyone wants a friend, I’ll be your friend :)

    I realize this doesn’t really answer the question. Best way is to be open and eager to make friends, I suppose?

      • Thelsim@sh.itjust.works
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        2
        ·
        1 year ago

        Of course not every child is the same, and I don’t mean to say it applied to every single one of us.
        I specifically meant around the age of preschool, kids don’t think of the consequences and are just happy to do stuff together.
        My own childhood from primary school onwards wasn’t blessed with a lot of friendships, so I understand what you’re saying here.

    • howrar@lemmy.ca
      link
      fedilink
      arrow-up
      4
      ·
      1 year ago

      It’s easy as kids because you know you’re both regularly going to be physically present in the same place at the same time, so you’ll actually have a chance to do friend things. You don’t get that as an adult. You need to figure out if you can actually stay in touch with this person (e.g. maybe you have a shared hobby that allows you to regularly meet). You also have a better idea of what kind of people you get along with as you get older. With less time to spare, you definitely want to have these boxes checked before you invest more time into a relationship.

      • Thelsim@sh.itjust.works
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        1
        ·
        1 year ago

        I understand what you’re trying to say here.
        Maybe I’m using a different definition for the word friend. The activities you describe are what I would associate with a close friend, someone you trust and want to hang out with.
        I guess what I’m trying to say is that there are plenty of people at work, sports, etc. with whom you get along well with and they would probably enjoy more interaction on a friend(ish) basis. Doesn’t mean you have to hang out or become close friends. Just that the tightening of bonds with the people in our surroundings should be easier than it really is.
        I have a few coworkers with whom I share my enthusiasms, gripe about shared annoyances, go out for lunch and sometimes dinners. They’re not really close friends, and I never really do anything with them outside of work, but I still consider them friends.
        Does that make sense? Maybe I’m just rambling.

  • dQw4w9WgXcQ@lemm.ee
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    13
    ·
    1 year ago

    I started playing disk golf which has started to build up some sort of social network. Doing a physical activity with other people really seems to work.

  • handofdumb@lemm.ee
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    12
    ·
    edit-2
    1 year ago

    There’s tons of good comments here. Mine will echo some! I just wanted to share my experience.

    I have three hobbies that I’ve explored since moving to a new city in my 30s - axe throwing, pinball, and making music.

    I found a local axe league and joined for a season. One season has become four :) The people I throw axes with are wonderful and varied. While we may not have crossed paths otherwise, they’re fine folks and I consider many my friends.

    I went to a local pinball bar for a casual tournament and have been going every other week since. It a supportive community and I’ve had a great time learning about the games and learning about the folks on my various teams.

    I answered a Craigslist ad for a band looking for another member. We’ve clicked quite well and have practices together, go out together, record together, and even play shows!

    Exploring your own hobbies in some sort of structured way might be a good step in your own quest :) Good luck!