Dawn

Thank you <3

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Hey ! Haven’t posted in some time here… last time it was about my fear of regretting transitioning and being sure of who I am. I’m pretty sure now, I have been on hormones for like 6-7months (since september), I love the changes to my body, my mood, my mind… But, I went out “as fem” to see if I could stomach being “full time” as they said.

So here I am, having worked on my wardrobe, doing hours of voice training, having learned for hours how to do my make up… only for it to feel so so small, to be worth nothing. And I was wondering, honestly, does it get better… ? I feel kinda low at the moment :/

I think zombies go under kernel or “root process” by default now

All old dudes lmao

Yeah and his government lasted 13h

It’s true that seeing the alternative, just forgetting about it all and shove it in a corner of my mind, I would always wonder what had been. Honestly, this is a scary possibility to me, the road just seems so long. When I look into the mirror, no matter how I dress, no matter how I shave, I always see a man trying to be girl… I sincerely hope that HRT will help in all of this, but I’m so scared of the consequences.

Thank you for your reply, I will try journaling it and see what comes out. You’re right, it’s always useful !

Thanks ! That’s reassuring. I thought that after feelings the hormonal effects I would be more set in my decision

Started HRT but i feel so, so scared of what i’m doing. Am i doing this for the right reasons ? Will I be capable of being a woman ? Of transitioning ? Will I regret it ? I get so much doubts lately, it’s making me panic repeatedly… Life is hard right now

Y E S

If the economy is not democratic, it is not a democracy

Haha i’m glad we’re known for that in the eu

This goes so hard lmao I sincerely thought this was a post before I saw the tweet

Don’t forget to put words on how you feel with your therapist ! This is the best way to find the “way” to get better :)

Got a huge crashdown in the middle of the week and reach to my long-distance situationship for support. She was super cool and I came out to her. She was very accepting but she hasn’t seen physical changes sooo I dunno. We’ll see. But I met a trans friend and had a drink together. She’s pretty much a guide right now. She’s the only trans person I know and she has been for most of her life. So developing a friendship with her means something to me (she’s also very cool and nice obviously).

Strangely it did worsen my impostor syndrom for most of the evening. I felt like the eye of Sauron was judging whether I was legitimatly trans, which we can all agree is ridiculous. She even explicitly told me that imposter syndrom is very dangerous, and to be avoided as much as possible. I’m just vulnerable lately. But that was until she told me she clearly saw signs I was trans before I told her and she gave me one of the greatest gift I’ve ever received in my life : A bible on transidentity that’s not printed anymore (“Gender Stories” by Lexie, “Histoires de genre” in original language), wrapped with a film ribbon of a spaceship launching and with a hard label written “Aurore” on it (Dawn in French, my new name !). It was even sealed with a pentagram like a gift from witch to witch hehehe. The film and seal shall be my bookmark, and the label forever in my cardholder.

On the negative side, I missed my train back from the weekend and a queer friend of mine is seemingly not measuring how important this is all to me, despite what she told me… I intended to lean on her for my transition since she did gender studies and all, but I’m slowly assuming these are just a scam. The only other person I knew that did gender studies was just mean and performative :/

My plan for next week : buy clothes, more makeup and stonk my blahaj +++++

Stay safe, don’t forget to give news to us ! And reach out for support

Don’t forget that guy is about to revive the yellow vest in a few weeks with his very violent and quasi-aristicratic budget. So he knows about dark days

Haha I always thought that people running mensa are the real geniuses for basically selling self-esteem

Had the same from a very good friend… I guess it’s because queer cis people feel very legitimate to have hot takes on gender roles because of the violence they may have gone through (especially cis lesbians), so they may not fully think through what they are saying. I don’t know about your friend, but I feel it can change with time and education.

Soo I think my questioning phase is kinda over ! I think I’m fully accepting my identity as trans woman, just following the euphoria where it leads me !

I just can’t wait to try girl clothes, I will order them next month and will spend more time with a queer friend so she can teach me makeup. The look I’m going for is kinda “casual goth”, like doc martens, black dress/metal tshirt with a skirt and a few (seemingly) golden jewelry. I already have tatoos lmao. But I don’t know if that’ll be a good look, I’ll see !

My first experience with a sport bra was kinda meh. It was complicated to put on and doesn’t really do anything for me in terms of dysphoria/euphoria. I guess that may come with girl clothes and makeup to “complete the look”. As opposed to mascara, nail polish and blue lenses (for some reason !). But the nail polish… oh god what a catastrophy. I’m all shaky and putting polish all over my fingers. And sadly, I’m completely incapable of using my blue lenses which really help with my dysphoria.

I’m training my voice too and try to speak with a softer voice with my roomates (which are accepting and very cool). I’m not comfortable with using the full-on girl voice without a woman outfit though, just shy and dysphoric I guess.

BUT, in other news, CW: bad family

My brother called me for help because he just couldn’t stomach my father’s behavior anymore. I always thought I was crazy, like other “adults” told me when I complained. But having my little brother describing exactly how I felt for years was a wake up call and I had to get him out of here. So, I spent the weekend helping him, reassuring him, helping him find an appartment (which I will pay for so he can be independant from my parents). This all culminated with a call to my aunt because we both were like “are we crazy ? are we just making it all up ? Are we just ungrateful children ?” and we needed an ally in the family. Thankfully she was 100% on our side and he will live at her house while searching for an appartment.

Now I can finally disappear from this family, which is actually a relief and means I can go through the transition process with more peace of mind. I just blocked my father and will hope my mom gets out of there. But as my aunt said “just forget about it all, live your life”. So, I will. My steps are a bit shaky for now though. My determination will come back in time.

Ooof sorry I needed to vent and put that all in writing. How’s my week been ? Intense.