I’m sorry you’re feeling like this! Needing to know is rough. For awhile my situation was somewhat different but similar as well. Others have been where you are though and came out the other side okay! Have you heard Travis T.'s song tOCD?
What if you were raised to think that you can outsmart fate if you just
Think of every angle, think of every flaw
Think of every single fucking thing that could go wrongThink of other choices, really think it through
Think of more excuses to avoid the fact that you still want to
Oh Zeus, did the angry fools not realize that the Odyssey is set before the social construction of race in a land and time full up with not cishet folk?