hazel

This all sounds very familiar. I was outside my body heading into my doctor’s office to ask for a referral to start HRT, felt like I was going to throw up trying to get the words out, and scream–cried in the car all the way home. My brain was cooking from the intensity of the emotions that come from finally, officially taking steps to breaking out of gender prison. At that time I had only expressed this wish to my partner, and I didn’t even know if I would have had the courage to talk to my doctor without her support.

The whole thing feels trivial now that I’m in the swing of transition, talking openly about it with everyone, and proving to myself every day that I made the right decision, but that first step in opening myself up to the world felt so big and scary.

I hope this first step leads to many pleasant coming–outs to the people close to you. It feels so good to live honestly and show people who you really are. Best of luck in there! 💙

I think you misinterpreted my comment entirely. I agree that those are healthier outlets than self harm. I was playfully implying that the examples you gave hint that you might live somewhere much nicer than my treeless, urban environment. I don’t think that you gave bad advice.

Rumor has it, if you say “a algorithm” three times, Hazel has a aneurysm.

Relaxed? They pace back and forth like they’re awaiting a jury verdict.

And younger people. We now have a sizable population of young adult technology users who have never known an operating system that wasn’t full of ads, obfuscated cloud storage, paywalled everything and apps that won’t run without an Internet connection. Adoption of an AI interface like this would seem intuitive and rational to these users, as they haven’t really experienced agency within their tech environment to begin with.

Did you find that socially isolating at all? On one hand, and probably more a thought from my adult brain than something I would have agreed with back then, one doesn’t want friendships that are predicated on such things. On the other hand, it sure looked like they were having a lot of fun playing Pokémon, whereas I didn’t know the first thing about it. It would have been an easy thing to use as common ground.

Watching your friend’s Tamagotchi while they’re away sounds almost humiliating though.

My sister and I, aged 9 and 6 respectively, were sitting in the car waiting for our father to grab a couple of things from the supermarket. My sister pointed at a girl sitting on a bench outside the store playing with a Tamagotchi. I’d never heard of it. My sister described it to me, and I liked the idea a lot. It sounded like this thing would be my friend, and I didn’t have a lot of those.

“Tell mum and dad to get you one!” I remember this phrasing, because it made me uncomfortable to even think of telling my parents to do anything for me. It bothered me that she felt it was acceptable to demand things like this. I did ask my father though, and he heaved a sigh before relenting. He’d bought one for one of his children, so he knew he couldn’t deny the other one. Maybe that’s why my sister thought I was in a strong position to be demanding.

At the toy shop, my father asked the store clerk for a Tamagotchi in a defeated and despairing way. “Oh yeah they all want those bloody things now, don’t they?” I can’t remember the exact quote, but I remember the two grown-ups agreeing that these Tamagotchi things are stupid and annoying. It was very clear that I was pushing my father into doing something he didn’t want to do, and enduring something he found bothersome in the future. I stood there in shame as he paid for the thing I was now pretty sure I didn’t want.

In my bedroom that evening, I pulled out the little tab that isolated the battery, and the Tamagotchi sprung to life. It didn’t feel like a friend at all. It felt like a dirty little secret. I played with it for a few minutes, but I just felt so guilty. By the next time I picked it up, the battery was almost dead. I wished so much that I had never asked for that thing.

I don’t think I experience 90s nostalgia in the same way as the majority of my peers. I remember the feel of the 90s, but all of these little toys and gadgets were things my parents despised, and either refused to have in the house, or begrudgingly allowed in very small doses while making their contempt for them very clear. Maybe that was for the best in a lot of ways, but it boxed me out of the 90s childhood that many seem to remember very fondly.

Avoiding character ambiguity is a very cool and normal thing to do.

This is precisely what I meant, and I’m glad it came across. 💙

I judge entire neighbourhoods on how amenable cats are. If a cat chilling on the footpath is pleased to meet me, then I’m calm. If a cat sitting 50 meters away from me responds to my friendly greeting chirp by backing under the nearest car with flat ears and a sunken tail, I assume the humans around it are garbage people and I need to get out. Cats are to the streets as frogs are to the rivers.

Will Tilly be the first actor to be this universally despised before ever even being cast in a role?

You know how sometimes it feels really important that you do something, but then when you start doing it you realise it’s totally stupid but you have to commit anyway?

I don’t think we’re capable of looking very far afield, to be fair. Space is pretty big. I read that somewhere.

Honestly. What are the chances that in the entire universe, there is no ecosystem that has led to the evolution of an organism indistinguishable from our Earth cats?

I’ve weaned off Venlafaxine and Fluoxetine, both from high doses, so I know how brutal the zaps can be. If you taper too abruptly, there really isn’t much you can do except lie down unable to even watch or listen to anything to pass the time. It feels never ending.

THC & CBD oil made the bed–bound days much more pleasant. If you have access to this, and you don’t find the effects unpleasant under normal circumstances, it can certainly take the edge off. It’s a fine line though, since too much can exacerbate the zaps. Take care.

You’ve probably read that exercise can improve things. You’ve probably read this resentfully, thinking I can barely make it to the bathroom, let alone out for a walk. It is good advice though, so if you find yourself having a less zappy moment, take that opportunity to force yourself out for a 15 minute walk in a nice straight line down the street or something. It will suck. The rest of the day will suck less though.

Hydrate. Obvious, but easy to overlook when getting up and going to the kitchen feels perilous. Keep a nice big bottle next to the bed. If you run dry, start zapping, and avoid getting more water because of that, then become dehydrated, it’s a bad spiral. Better to have bladder pain from toilet abstinence than dehydration from kitchen abstinence.

If you haven’t already, take a look at the taper guide specifically for escitalopram on the Surviving Antidepressants website.

I’m still on the tail end of my Fluoxetine taper. Still the occasional zaps, but I’m living life again, and feeling much more like myself every day. It will end, and everything will feel possible again. Wishing you all the best. 💙

Rule 2 seems to negate most of the defining characteristics of the MAGA movement, no?

TL;DR: Maybe!

*฿ł₮₵Ⱨ

I gotchu.

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