This will be long, so strap in…

For years I battled with some mental health issues that prevented me from working or studying. Finally, after being very close to going into debt, I managed to get a job last november. I was happy, I had a job at a company that I liked, I had a bf, I was overcoming my agoraphobia and things felt like they were going well. Only thing that sucked was that I was still stuck living with my occasionally abusive and toxic ex, and in my country we’re experiencing a massive housing crisis, so moving out while earning less than min wage is pretty much impossible. Even if I earned above min wage, I’d had to earn a lot to be able to rent a place.

Anyway, piece by piece, things started to deteriorate. I broke up with my bf in january, and while I consider this as either positive or neutral thing, it has left me feeling lonely. One of my and my ex’s cats died in april. Around this time there was also some drama at work, but it luckily was solved. In may one day at work I became extremely confused over what time it was and a coworker took me to a hospital, I won’t go into detail about that day more, but this started a massive decline in my physical health.

I started having issues with my balance, being confused, suffering from headaches/migraines, and lightheadedness. I was unable to work fully anymore, the doctors weren’t helpful, but eventually I got sent to do some tests in a hospital, my appointment is in october. I’ve been on sick leave for over a month now, and I don’t think I’ll be able to return for a while, if ever. My already less than min wage got cut even more, I now earn only 800€/month. Luckily I don’t have to pay for rent or food (my ex earns enough and is nice enough to buy food and also cook, which I am grateful for).

The issue is, my ex decided that he wanted to adopt a kitten. It was “his” cat that died, and he wanted our other cat to have company (the two cats were adopted as kittens about a year ago). His mom, whose cat is actually a littermate of ours, had recently had two kittens and so after a bit of begging from my ex, I agreed to take one of the kittens. He’s adorable, like all kittens, but he is also a menace. He’s scratched on some exposed floor, creating a mess. My ex didn’t seem to give a shit. The kitten is now chewing on cords, got caught in a cord yesterday, climbing the curtains, scratching the rug, and overall just being a hyperactive kitten. Now, my ex works 8h/day, about 6 days a week, and even if he isn’t working, he might just go out at a friends place or be at his mom’s. When he’s home, he cooks, pets the kitten, then goes upstairs to play, leaving the kitten downstairs with me. For someone who really wanted a kitten as bad as he did, he barely interacts with it.

I’m barely able to take care of myself in the state I’m in right now. I’m constantly tired, I don’t sleep well, I can’t stand up for long or at all at times, I have headaches/migraines often… I’m sick. Not sure what it is, but I have a hunch. But yeah, if I stand up too fast or too long or just wrong, I might fall. I already have, and often I can feel my knees going weak even when I just took a few steps to the fridge to get a drink. I can’t really take care of a kitten right now. Nor did I really want to. When I agreed to this, it wasn’t so bad, and my ex said he’d take care of the kitten. He’s barely home, or gives a shit about the furry little menace when he is.

Today I’ve had a bad headache for hours, and I couldn’t properly rest because I had to make sure that little ball of pure energy didn’t chew through a charging cable, or trying to stop him from ripping down our curtains. When my ex came home, he again didn’t bother to play with his kitten to burn off the energy a bit, leaving me to deal with constant noise and stress while I’m trying to rest my head. Not to mention that the house is a total mess. Dishes are piling up, so is the laundry, his half of the house is a total disaster (no proper flooring, half built wall between two bedrooms, months worth of pizza boxes, trash, random screws and construction material, clothes on the floor, etc.). I try to do what I can, but at this point it is not much. I can’t even empty the dishwasher everyday.

I have nobody to help me. I don’t even think my ex believes I’m sick. I feel overall just lonely. I don’t really have friends… I talk to some people online, but that’s it… I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t know if this illness is going to be permanent, if my hunch is correct there is no real cure and treatment is also a bit… uncertain. I’m scared. I’m so done that I’ve threatened to take the kitten to a shelter, because clearly my ex doesn’t give a fuck about him, but if I do then I’ll be kicked out. And then what? I get to struggle out on the streets when I can barely walk. And yes, my ex can kick me out and any moment without a warning.

I don’t know if there’s any other way out of this than killing myself. I can’t see any future for myself. My head hurts, I feel tired, I can’t run this house in a state like this, nor do I want to clean up after a 33 year old manchild. I didn’t want to be sick again… Should I just push myself to the limit? Go back to work, clean the whole house? And who cares if I have head splitting migraine. I don’t think anyone would care if I fell and hit my head. Maybe I am just lazy…

  • ZenGrammy@lemm.ee
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    1 year ago

    Hi. I’m just another internet rando but I’ve been where you are and slowly crawled back out. When your health is suddenly taken from you it’s so overwhelming, and just getting through each day is a lot to handle. You need to focus on your mental and physical health like it’s your full-time job right now. Taking care of someone else is definitely too much to ask of you. I’m glad you’re doing your best to get different housing because it seems sorely needed.

    Have you talked with the social worker or therapist aboutyour suidical thoughts? If not, I would definitely advise you to do that as soon as you can, and definitely check out the pinned resources in our community for anything that might work for you.

    If you’re lonely and would like to work on that, you can increase your contact with people online to help you pass the time. Try to find whatever little things that bring you joy (books, naps, hobbies you can tolerate right now) and maybe try a podcast you find relaxing. There are good days ahead of you. It may not feel like it, but not every day will feel this bad. Your brain and body are in a tailspin right now and you will find your way.

    I’m sorry I don’t have any magic advice to help your situation–I think if you could move a lot would change for you, but I wanted you to know that this stranger on the internet cares about you. You can come back to this community any time to vent. That’s what we’re here for.

    • PawjamaParty@lemmy.worldOP
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      1 year ago

      Both know that I’m occasionally suicidal. Today I unfortunately didn’t have enough time to really talk to my social worker how bad exactly I’m feeling, but she knows the situation is dire and she’s looking into some things to try and help.

      I found some online friends a while back, and had some good discussions. Unfortunately I’m too tired or have a headache, so don’t feel like typing or calling. I also really miss just spending time with people irl. Even when my ex is home, he’s at his computer doing his own thing and doesn’t really want me there. I went out to dinner with coworkers and bosses last friday, and it was so much fun getting out of the house and being with people. It was worth the awful migraine afterwards. I just don’t really know anyone close by who I could go out with, even for a bit, and I’m a bit wary of meeting people right now, since I can’t necessarily take care of myself out there. I’m trying to do some of my hobbies, but yesterday I started feeling dizzy while sitting down, so I spend a lot of time just laying down and resting. I hate wasting my life like this…

      Thank you for your kinds words, the support and validation I get from people is really helping. I didn’t think it would, but it really does. Thank you.

      • ZenGrammy@lemm.ee
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        1 year ago

        You definitely need to be wary of new people when you’re feeling like this, and I’m glad you’re keeping the people who can help you up to date on your symptoms. Migraine pain is the worst, especially when you’re trying to use digital things like phones or computers (I have to turn the brightness way down on things and still limit the time I spend on them when I have one, anyway). Getting out with your friends was good for your soul, so I’m sure it was worth it in the end.

        I’m glad it’s helping for you to come here and talk with us. Keep on checking in whenever you can tolerate it. We are here for you.