It got so wasted it booked a flight to Australia just to pass out in a hedge.

Was gonna say, Nessie got so wasted she woke up on the other side of the planet.

It’s entirely plausible that an Australian could have emigrated to Scotland and gotten a job there as a groundskeeper near Loch Ness.

Yeah, my brain short-circuited trying to envision a guy saying “crikey” in a Scottish accent. Something like “craykey”, I guess.

Well, Industrial brewing happens in the scale of hundreds of hectoliters in single batches, which is enough to fill a tanker truck. But AFAIK single malt in whiskey only refers to being distilled in the same distillery and not being blended with whiskey from other distilleries. So it can still be classified as single malt despite being more than one batch from the same distillery blended together.

That’s one barrel, so one enormous batch. I like to credit the cartoon whiskey manufacturers with some goddamn ambition.

It’s clearly a brand.

Loch Ness is fucking big and holds around 7500000 m3 of water and while no such whiskey barrel truck exists, a large tanker truck can hold around 40m3 of liquid. Let’s say it’s a super strong whiskey of 60% alcohol content by volume, that leaves us with 24m3 alcohol for the whole lake. That’s an alcohol percentage of 0.00032% for the lake. To put that into context, most foods contain a certain amount of alcohol. Beer for example can contain up to 0.5% of alcohol and still be labeled alcohol free. Something like a burger roll might contain over 1% alcohol, an overripe banana might be around 0.5%. So the amount of alcohol in the lake is basically nothing and would be hard to detect even with proper equipment. Therefor the non-existent monster would not have gotten drunk from drinking some of the lake water.

Since we clearly see the monster being drunk af, we must consider another scenario. I would speculate the truck was actually intact when it hit the water. The monster happened to be nearby and heard or felt the impact (does the monster have ears? We do not know). Upon reaching the truck, the monster proceeded to pick it up and drink it shot-gun style. He got so drunk, he forgot to crush the truck on his forehead and just dropped it on the bank.

I further postulate that alcohol isn’t a part of the natural environment around the loch and thus the creature has somehow acquired the taste for the drink from humans. A chemical dependency might have formed, leading to severely altered behavior for the creature. It is my hypothesis the creature not only caused the crash of the truck, but has done so more often in the past and will continue to do so in the future.

Further investigation shows the route for the truck makes no sense and went out of its way to drive at that exact road along the loch. The company that owns and operates the truck hasn’t altered this inefficient route, even though many such accidents occured. My theory is they allow these incidents to happen because the media attention from these incidents works in favor of the company. Your honor I respectfully submit my statement as evidence of wrong doing on part of the company. They knowingly and willingly allowed the Loch Ness monster to form this alcohol dependency, therefor indirectly causing the accidents and risking the life and well being of my client, the truck driver!

Stop with the plastic surgery shamming. You don’t even know if it’s covering a scar or something.

That sounds rather similar to Boston’s great molasses flood, I guess “storage tank fails and floods area with some kind of food product to deadly effect” is something that’s happened a few times throughout history.